


Kindred Spirits

by reyescott



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bonding, Coping, Destroy Ending, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, M/M, Male Friendship, Minor EDI/Jeff "Joker" Moreau, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-25 13:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10765566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reyescott/pseuds/reyescott
Summary: In the aftermath of the Reaper War, when the Normandy's crashlanded on an unknown garden world, Kaidan struggles with juggling his new position as Captain of the Normandy in the wake of Shepard's fate and the dawning realization that, the more time that passes, the less likely it is he'll see Shepard again.Everyone's dealing with his absence, but Joker's the only one that gets how fresh and raw and wrong everything feels, because EDI hits him just as hard.





	Kindred Spirits

“Shepard.”

Bright lights, and a beacon, and Shepard’s hand pressed against his cheek. Exhausted, “Don’t leave me behind,” don’t go where I can’t follow--

The deafening silence of the Normandy when the shuttle bay doors close. Garrus’ grip tight on his sides, his voice soft when he says, “We need to get you to medbay.”

Shepard’s still burnt into the back of Kaidan’s eyelids, his stance confident, expression determined even in the face of all but failure as he yells for them to go.

Kaidan opens his eyes, stares at the bottom of the bunk atop his in the crew quarters on the Normandy, and reminds himself to breathe. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Rubs the image of Shepard from his eyes and kicks his legs over the side of the bed.

It’s been three weeks since the Normandy crashed, and Kaidan still has to bite his tongue to keep from asking EDI for an update. EDI’s not here, and if she was, long distance communications are shot. There’s no updates to be had. They’re on their own, in the middle of nowhere, stranded, without answers for a ship of people that have questions.

Kaidan can’t give them any.

He checks the time--0500. Most everyone’s in their bunks, still, curtains drawn around them. Someone’s snoring--Cortez, probably--but beyond that, the ship seems quiet. Kaidan grabs a uniform from the footlocker at the end of his bunk and heads to the shower.

Three weeks, he thinks to himself. Supplies are more than enough for a few months--they are a warship, after all--but Kaidan’s starting to wonder if they’ll ever get off this planet, or if it’s going to end up as their grave.

He cleans himself quickly, with the standard issue Alliance soap, tries not to remember how, not that long ago, he was pressing Shepard against the walls of his shower, kissing laughter from his lips, the smell of coconut from Shepard’s soap still strong in his senses.

Most of the crew is awake by the time he reemerges, clean and freshly shaved half an hour later. He scheduled a daily meeting at 0700, but what’s different, today, than the day before? What could they possibly have accomplished in the last twenty-four hours that Kaidan needs them to sit around for half an hour wasting time talking about their plans?

It’s better for them to just do it. To feel like they’re making a difference, that they’re doing something to help the Normandy, or the crew, feel alive again. It’s better to pretend that they’re going to see their homeworld again.

Kaidan’s not so optimistic. The Normandy’s still running on backups, without long-range communications. Without EDI. Without her captain. He’s not honestly sure which is worst.

Kaidan downs a cup of coffee as he sifts through reports. A stupid thing, but Chakwas had suggested that they try to maintain some semblance of normalcy--”Their entire world has been upturned, Major. It’s best to keep what familiarity you can.”--so Kaidan skims reports on local flora and fauna, engineering reports from Adams and Tali, defense reports from Garrus, shuttle reports from Cortez...

It’s mostly for show, and the more time that passes, the shorter they’re getting. Information’s getting repetitive, and there’s only so many times you can report on the same daily duties before it gets mindnumbingly monotonous. Kaidan’s not going to start telling the crew they need to do better. The Alliance might not even exist anymore, and it’s not like he has room to talk. A captain that can barely lead, that looks on the hopeful, desperate faces of his crew and doesn’t know what to tell them because he doesn’t know himself.

How are we going to get back? How long will we be stuck here? Can we leave? Will someone rescue us? Is Shepard okay?

Kaidan’s not much of the praying sort; easier to believe in what you can see in front of you, the people that have your back and you can trust… but there’s something comforting about it, falling asleep to the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears, his fists clenched into the sheets of his bunk, Shepard’s name at his lips.

I need another miracle.

\-----

Chakwas tuts at him for it--Kaidan’s nightly trips to the lounge on deck three, bottle of whiskey at hand as he goes through reports and old ship logs--but she doesn’t intervene. Not yet. In time, she’ll corner him and insist he talk through it. And any other situation, Kaidan would agree. Better to talk about your demons than let them eat away at you.

But if Kaidan talks about it, if he admits he’s worried, that makes it real. That means he’s given in, he’s accepted they might not make it back, he’s accepted they might live out the rest of their lives here.

He’s accepted he probably won’t see Shepard again, alive or dead.

He tightens his grip on the whiskey bottle, glances to the glass sitting on the table and thinks, for a split second, about tipping his head back and drinking from the bottle, when someone clears their throat.

“Oh.” Kaidan glances up to see Joker standing at the door, scratching at an arm. He’s got a datapad of his own--Kaidan notes it’s opened to one of the games the Alliance banned, and almost smiles. “Didn’t realize anyone else was awake,” he says, slow, like he’s not sure if he should join him.

After a beat, Kaidan gestures for him to come in. “Couldn’t sleep,” Kaidan says. Joker eyes his glass of whiskey with interest, so Kaidan raises the bottle in offer. Joker makes a step forward. “I could do with some company, if you’re interested.”

Joker snorts, walks past Kaidan to the bar and grabs one of the glasses from underneath the counter. He limps his way back to Kaidan, lowers himself onto the couch, and uses his knuckles to knock the glass across the table towards Kaidan. “As long as it’s not going to turn into a pity party.”

Right. The crew’s good at hiding the stares, but Kaidan still notices them. Probably much like Joker does. Everyone knew Shepard and EDI and everyone’s suffering, but there’s something different when they look to Kaidan and Joker. Sadder, softer.

Kaidan clears his throat, and pours whiskey into Joker’s glass. “Pity-free zone,” he says. He gestures towards Joker’s datapad. “You know, you’re not supposed to have that.”

Joker glances at his datapad. He doesn’t even have the decency to look ashamed. “Oh, yeah. I had Tali hack it back on for me,” he says. “Figured what the Alliance doesn’t know, all that.”

“Admitting you had Alliance property hacked in front of your superior officer,” Kaidan says, his voice as amused as it can. Though true, the words ‘superior officer’ still feel like a twisting knife in his stomach. It should be Shepard. “You’re lucky communication is down. I’d have to write you up.”

Joker takes a sip of the whiskey, grimaces, then downs it all. “You wouldn’t write me up.”

“Hey,” Kaidan says, almost offended, “I can be a hardass, too, you know--”

“That’s totally not what I meant, but thanks for that image.” Joker sighs, spins the glass on the table. The ship’s quieter now than it is at five in the morning. No ambient noises, no EDI. It’s lonely. “We’re kindred spirits.” Joker glances up at him. “Or whatever that is.”

Right. Kaidan swallows, looks down at his drink and downs what’s left. The burn’s nice, and Kaidan pours himself another before pulling Joker’s drink forward and refilling his. That they are, Kaidan supposes. “Kindred spirits.”

Joker hesitates just for a minute, then asks, “You been back to his quarters yet?”

His throat tightens, as he remembers their last night together, before London. Shepard’s heart beating steadily against his chest, his breath slow and calm. The way it tickled when Shepard nuzzled his face into Kaidan’s collarbone, desperate for closeness. How soft Shepard’s calloused hands were when he drew circles over the bare skin of Kaidan’s back.

“No.” He can’t. It’s too hard. Shepard lingers everywhere, in his quarters, from the photos of them on his nightstand to the model ships, the datapads strewn across the couches, the clothes hung in his closet, the smell of leather and metal still lingering in the sheets. Kaidan goes back, he breaks the illusion that Shepard’s still here, just out of sight.

“Yeah.” He holds his glass up for Kaidan to knock against. “I didn’t think so.”

Kaidan stares down at the tabletop, focuses on his breathing until he can speak again. “You been back to the bridge?”

Joker’s shoulders slump, and for a minute, Kaidan thinks he looks impossibly small, and only sees himself in the line of Joker’s shoulders. It takes a few minutes before he shakes his head, and reaches out for the bottle.

“Yeah, right. She’s--” Joker pours his whiskey. Kaidan can see the muscles in his jaw working. “She’s still up there.”

Oh. “Joker, I…” There’s a small blessing, then, that Kaidan doesn’t have a body; that Shepard’s light years away and Kaidan doesn’t have to deal with a physical ghost as well as a mental one. Where’s Joker’s reprieve? “We can move her.”

“I don’t want her moved,” he says. Kaidan senses he struck a nerve, and shuts his mouth. “I--I want her back, and this stupid fucking war took her from me before--” He shakes his head, downs his whiskey. “You finally find someone…”

Kaidan gets it. Making up for lost time gets hard when you don’t know how long you have together. The Reapers really know how to toy with emotions, that’s for damn sure. “...and it’s gone before you know it.”

He doesn’t point out the glaringly obvious. They can get EDI back, but the chances of Shepard surviving…

He clears his throat. Can’t think about it now, doesn’t know he’ll ever want to. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

“Unless you have a time machine and can tell that hard headed boyfriend of yours to find another way to take down the Reapers,” Joker says, shaking his head, “what’s done is done.” It sounds like he repeats it to himself over and over, like it’s more ritual than an attempt to self-soothe. “Can’t change it now.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan says, as Joker gets up from the couch and sets his glass on the counter. “Guess not.”

\-----

It’s good to have a project, is what he tells himself. Keep his mind occupied and his skills sharp. Throw himself into something productive so he doesn’t throw himself in harm’s way. The crew’s lost enough, after all, and Kaidan can handle this.

His hands shake at his sides when he walks to the bridge. EDI’s sitting in the co-pilot’s chair, motionless. He half expects her to move at any moment, call it a “joke”, and this nightmare will end.

But none of the systems are green-lit. If EDI was still around, she wouldn’t be joking. She’d be fixing it. For being synthetic, she’s human enough to recognize

Kaidan remembers Legion’s words; “does this unit have a soul?” Maybe he was unsure then, but there’s a heavy certainty about it now.

It’s eerie, to see her sitting there. Kaidan knows the body was more about helping Shepard and accompanying him on the ground team, more about a physical body for the sake of the crew--and Joker--than anything, but this is… creepy. An empty shell of a robot. It’s different than a human, and no better. She’s been gathering dust.

He takes a deep breath, and pulls up EDI’s data on his omni-tool. He’s got limited experience with AI, but tech’s tech, and maybe he can figure something out. A bug; a shut-down procedure gone wrong, a backup, a failsafe.

EDI was the most advanced AI anyone’s ever seen. If anyone had a contingency plan, it’d’ve been her.

Kaidan leans against the wall as he reads, a migraine growing at the base of his skull the longer he scans through error logs and corrupted data. There’s hundreds of errors, and Kaidan thinks he’ll be settling in for a long night of playing tech support. He groans, and rubs at his neck with his free hand. Something’s gotta give, because if it doesn’t, he’s going to lose his fucking mind. He closes his eyes, wonders, for a minute, who they’ve got on board he can trust enough to keep this secret, who has the technical know-how to work it, and it’s like a lightbulb goes off in his head.

Of course. “Tali,” he says, opening a link to her, “can I see you on the bridge?”

A minute passes where Kaidan’s palms go sweaty, (she doesn’t want to see me, the local comms are down, too, she doesn’t want to see me) , then, “I’ll be right there.”

When Tali opens the door to the bridge, she’s twisting her hands in front of her, nervous. Kaidan offers as polite a smile as he can muster, but it’s good to see her.

“Kaidan,” she says, and he realizes this is the first time they’ve been alone since Earth. Kaidan waves her forward, kicking off the wall he’s leaning against as he pulls EDI’s data back up. “It’s good to see you.”

And suddenly, Kaidan feels like a giant ass. He’s been so caught up in his own emotions, he’s forgotten the rest of them lost Shepard, too. That he’s not alone in this, and it’s selfish to think otherwise. “You too, Tali,” he says, holding an arm out for a hug, grateful when she accepts it from him. Her body trembles, just a little bit, under his arm, and she squeezes him close, just for a second.

“Um,” she says, pulling away. “You needed me for something?”

“Yeah, I wanted your professional opinion,” he says, turning back to his omni-tool and sending files to her. “And, uh… can we keep this between us?”

Tali stares at him for a minute. “Keep what between us?”

He hesitates, but not long. “I want to bring EDI back online.”

“...Oh.”

There’s something in her tone that gets Kaidan to look back to her. “Something wrong?”

“No, just… it might be a good time to tell you I’ve already been working on it.”

Kaidan raises his eyebrows. Of course she has been. Kaidan almost feels stupid for thinking otherwise. He lets out a light chuckle. “Right. Sorry. Uh--so these logs?”

“They’re from me,” Tali says, stepping close so she can read over Kaidan’s shoulder. “The pulse that wiped out communications and FTL…” Tali shakes her head. “I haven’t figured out how to fix it. I haven’t worked on many Alliance ships, and Cerberus helped with this one.”

But they’ve come this far. Figured out how to get the Normandy running, local communications back up. Fixing EDI should be just as simple. “We can, though, right?”

Tali backs off, puts a hand on her hip, and gives Kaidan a long look. The pause makes the hair on the back of Kaidan’s neck stand up. “Kaidan,” she says, and Kaidan knows he should listen, should give her his full attention, but. EDI is something he can do--a concrete problem that needs fixing, and he can work on this. He can’t get Shepard back, but he can give Joker EDI.

“Tali,” he says, his voice quiet as he closes the logs and turns to her. She’s twisting her hands again. He offers her a smile, but it’s tight, and he can tell it doesn’t do anything to reassure her. “I know what you’re going to say. But… one thing at a time. Please.”

She hesitates, watching him, before she nods, twice. She gestures to EDI, and the tension between them dissipates. The tension in Kaidan’s chest does, too. “I can send you my files, if you think it will help.”

“That’d be great, Tali, thanks.” Kaidan taps on his omni-tool, just for something to do with his hands. “What’ve you been doing so far?”

Tali takes a breath and launches into an explanation, and Kaidan feels his shoulders relax. A problem with solutions, he thinks. Finally.

The days do get easier, in a sense. The more days that go by without word from the Alliance, the more slack he gives the crew, the more he forces himself to sit in common areas to work on EDI. They need a captain. As much as Kaidan wants to isolate himself, he owes them this much.

But, being open means it’s easier for Chakwas to get to him.

It’s late, one night, when Kaidan’s on his fifth cup of coffee and his 26th hour without sleep, when she finds him. He’s so caught up in rewriting pieces of EDI’s code based on Tali’s suggestions that he doesn’t notice it’s her until she clears her throat from beside him and says, “Major.”

He jerks in surprise, and the datapad flies across the table and lands in the chair opposite him. Kaidan chuckles, softly, and retrieves it. “Dr. Chakwas,” he says. “Didn’t hear you.”

“Hard at work, I see.” Her tone suggests she’s definitely not here for a social call. She looks so much older, now; the last couple months have been hard on them all, and stress knows no end for the doctor watching a crew of people testing out new foods with unknown properties. “Do you have a minute?”

Kaidan swallows, but nods. “Of course.”

“Don’t give me that look,” she says, as she sits down in a chair nearby. “It’s nothing dire, I assure you.”

“Good to know.”

She glances at the glass of whiskey in front of him, then back to Kaidan. He smiles, tightly, and waits. “You haven’t been in for a session since Earth, you know.”

“I haven’t had the time.” Which would be true, if he’d been doing anything besides supervising and lying around, terrified. Up until trying to reconnect EDI, he’d been free enough to have therapy sessions with Chakwas for hours. “You’re not going to force this, are you?”

She gives him a hard look. “You know,” she says, “for an Alliance soldier, you’ve always been surprisingly open to therapy. What’s changed?”

“It’s necessary,” Kaidan tells her. “No shame in keeping yourself at peak performance. Just because it’s not physical doesn’t make it less important. I just don’t have time.” And he does believe that. Too many soldiers still find weakness in their feelings, and the Alliance training them to fight like machines doesn’t help.

“And yet, after everything that’s happened, you don’t feel as though you need to talk about it?” There’s nothing like pity in her expression, but Kaidan can’t help but feel pitied.

“I appreciate the concern,” he says, standing from the table, “but I do have a ship to run, Karin.”

“As stubborn as Shepard, then,” she says, and the way she says his name makes his chest feel tight. “My door is always open, Major. I can only hope you’ll come to me when you need it.”

She’s right, though. Kaidan watches her as she leaves, and almost thinks about calling her back, really talking about it, but--

No. He starts talking about Shepard, and he’ll never stop. Fix EDI, he thinks, and then he can fix himself.

\-----

“Okay, and transferring data…” Tali’s got a datapad positioned on her knees, her omni-tool pulled up to monitor the transfer to the ship. Kaidan stands beside her, panicked, tapping his fingers on his elbow. Just as nervous as Tali when the lights in the AI core flicker, and--

“Damn it,” Kaidan says, running a hand over his face. The lights go off, and the ship hums when the power kicks back on. “What’d we get wrong?”

Tali shakes her head, already scrolling through lines of code, reading faster than Kaidan could hope to. “I--don’t know. Cerberus had top of the line technicians. Without an uncorrupted original of EDI’s code, I don’t know that we can restore it.” She pauses. “Every time we connect to the Normandy, we lose more code.”

“Like a virus.” Tali nods, not taking her eyes from the datapad. “Great.” There has to be a way, though. A backup stored--somewhere. “Any other ideas?”

“Besides a restore of the Normandy’s systems?” She looks up to him. “No. Nothing.”

What’s a factory restore going to do to them, anyway? They can’t fix long-range comms because they can’t fix the relays, and they don’t have the tech repaired to bounce signals off satellites like they did before the relays. Even backup systems are fried.

Everything’s coming up with roadblocks, lately, and Kaidan’s the first to admit he’s on edge because of it. “So--we reset the Normandy,” he says. “It’s not doing a lot of good as it is.”

Tali stares at him, and says, slowly, “We don’t know what we could lose if we do.”

“We know what we could lose if we don’t. Without EDI, we have no way of getting off this planet. We might as well start building houses.”

“Kaidan…”

“I’m serious, Tali. We can’t do anything until we get EDI back.”

“You don’t know that. Earth could be working on it already.”

“We don’t even know where we are.” And they don’t. Some garden world in the local cluster, but beyond that… The galaxy map is down and Kaidan doesn’t even remember this planet. It’s unnamed, unknown, and unmanned. No one has a colony here, which can’t bode well for them, and Kaidan really, really doesn’t want to stick around to find out what might or might not be on waiting for them. “I get it. I want to be cautious about this, too, but right now, I don’t see any other option.”

Tali fumbles with the datapad in her hands, and nods. She ducks her head, scrolls through the data a little slower. “Give me a week.”

“A week?”

“If I can’t find out what’s going on in a week, we’ll reset. I just… have some other things I want to try before we reset.” She looks so eager. Kaidan can’t say no. “I won’t let you down, Kaidan,” she says, already going back to work on her datapad.

Kaidan hums, and rubs his hands over his face again. “All right, I--”

He doesn’t get to finish. Over the Normandy’s communications systems, Joker says, “Major?”

“Yeah, Joker.”

“Do you have a minute?”

Kaidan thinks for a long minute that Joker’s found out about what he and Tali are doing, that he’s furious. It doesn’t mean much; Joker’s not going to attack him with much else than words, but Kaidan really doesn’t want to piss him off with this. He really hopes he didn’t cross a line.

“Yeah, I’ll be right out. Where are you?”

“Lounge. Hey--bring some more whiskey, if we got any!”

Kaidan bites his tongue, though, and lays a hand on Tali’s shoulder. “Let me know if you need me.”

She nods, but doesn’t look up from the datapad. Kaidan’s surprised by the amount of people gathered outside of the lounge, and that they part easily when Kaidan clears his throat. They’re whispering, nervous, and Traynor tugs at his shirt when he passes. “He’s drunk, Major.”

He never envied Shepard the job of captain of the Normandy, and he sure as hell doesn’t now.

“Kaidan!” Joker says when he opens the door. Kaidan steps inside and closes it just as quickly. “Please tell me I wasn’t interrupting anything.”

He could tell him. He should tell him. It doesn’t have to be a surprise. It probably shouldn’t, either. Kaidan’s not sure what he’d do if Shepard walked back on the Normandy, today.

After a minute of staring at Joker, who is drunk out of his mind and swaying where he sits, he realizes, no. He knows exactly what he’d do if Shepard walked back onto the Normandy. He’d be ecstatic. If there was anyone capable of that kind of miracle, it’d be Shepard.

But… if he knew of the possibility, if he got his hopes up and Shepard didn’t come back… Kaidan sighs, takes a seat across from Joker and takes the bottle of brandy from him. Looks at it a minute before drinking the shot left in the bottle.

Feels good as it burns, and Kaidan exhales slowly as he puts the cap back on. Joker looks pleased. “You need me for something?”

“Kindred spirits,” Joker says, like it holds a special weight of its own, now. Maybe it does. “How d’you do it?”

“Do what?”

“I can’t even get out of fucking bed in the morning without crying.” Joker suddenly goes still. “Dunno how you walk around without letting it get to you.”

“Who said it doesn’t get to me?”

Joker gestures to him. “You ever look at yourself? You’re the picture of dealing with it.”

Kaidan laughs, humorlessly, and turns the bottle in his hands. “Yeah, right. Comes with being in charge.”

“So I get myself command of a ship, I learn how to handle my feelings.” Joker nods, like this makes all the sense in the world.

“That’s not what I said.”

Joker goes quiet for a while. By the time he speaks, Kaidan’s feeling the buzz from the whiskey. He’s old enough to know better than to drink on an empty stomach. “I miss her,” he says, finally, his voice quiet and wavery.

Empathy slams into Kaidan’s chest, and he stands, changes seats so he’s sitting next to Joker instead. “I know.”

“And you know, there’s all these theories about the afterlife out there,” he says. “How you can imagine them in a better place, but--where’s EDI? What happens to her consciousness when its shut down?”

Kaidan exhales, slowly. “I don’t know.”

“I’m supposed to find comfort in that how?”

Kaidan doesn’t have the first clue. He’s not sure if anyone would. A few more minutes pass between them, and Kaidan says, “Are you assigned to anything?”

Joker snorts. “Yeah, how’s that gonna work? Brittle as thin ice, over here.”

Which leaves out the possibility of a lot of things. Can’t gather food, can’t work on on-planet housing. And right now, there’s not a lot to do in the pilot’s chair, even if he could go there.

They need to get EDI up and running again. “I’ll figure something out for you.”

Joker just makes a noise in response. Kaidan thinks he’s passed out, that he’ll have to grab an extra blanket and set Joker up in the lounge for the night, when he reaches for Kaidan’s arm, fingers catching him in a vice-grip, and says, “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me, too.”

“No, I mean--about Shepard.”

Kaidan’s heart thumps hard against his chest, and he nods, a little erratic as the tears threaten to fall. “Yeah. Me, too.”

\-----

He circles the ship five times the next morning, losing confidence to stop at medbay every time he goes by. If Chakwas hasn’t noticed yet, she will soon.

He should talk to her. It’s coming close on two months, and last night with Joker made the pain, the uncertainty all crisp and clear in his mind. If it was just Earth, maybe…

But it’s not. It’s Kaidan’s entire universe, left in shambles at his feet, and he doesn’t even know how to react because they don’t have the information they would, if they’d just stayed in orbit...

It’d be easy to blame Joker, for pushing them into FTL to escape the blast, but he can’t. Not when he knows that he would have done the same fucking thing if it were Shepard.

Chakwas catches his eye on his sixth go around, and Kaidan waves, a little sheepishly, at her through the window. He’s about to round the corner, go in and start his first therapy session since before London, when his omni-tool chirps.

‘Engineering, now. -TZ’

Kaidan frowns, wondering. It can wait. Couldn’t it? He can have twenty minutes with Chakwas before dealing with another problem. He glances up at Chakwas, who has her arms crossed over her chest, a soft smile on her lips.

He needs this.

‘About EDI. -TZ’

Kaidan feels a buzz in his body, somehow knows this is different. Joker’s still passed out, might be for hours, and they should have time to work out any remaining kinks with EDI before he wakes up. If this is it. If this works.

Kaidan smiles to himself. Hell of a morning. He shrugs to Chakwas, mouths, ‘duty calls’, and heads to deck four.

Tali’s bouncing on her heels when Kaidan meets her, Garrus standing at her side with a hand on his hip. “Kaidan!” she says, when he comes in, the door sliding shut behind him. “I hope you don’t mind. I told Garrus.”

“Any ideas to help speed things along?” Kaidan asks, patting Garrus on the shoulder. It feels good, though, that he’s here. Supports the idea. Tali’s eager for it herself, but Kaidan would be lying if he said he wasn’t often crippled by doubt. The more on board, the less likely this is a complete screw-up he’ll end up regretting.

“Please,” Garrus says, his mandibles twitching with amusement. “We all know I’m useless at anything that can’t shoot.”

“We’ll get you to work on her mobile unit,” Tali says. She’s still bouncing. “Kaidan. I found a copy of the original data for EDI.”

Any excitement he’d had over it dissipates just like that. “The original data,” he says. “So she won’t remember anything.”

Tali’s shoulders slump, but she had to have known. “I know. Between all of us, though, I should be able to gather enough data to manually forge the connections to us, the Normandy, Shepard… and Joker.”

“That easy, huh?”

She rubs a hand over her hood. “I know, it’s not an ideal plan. But it’s a start.”

And Kaidan loves it. If they just had to worry about the Normandy, he’d already have her implementing EDI again. But this is as much about Joker as it is the ship, and getting everyone back to Earth, and...

“We can’t put her in the ship like this,” Garrus says. “It’d break Joker’s heart.”

“Can we put her somewhere as a test?” Kaidan asks. “Omni-tool or datapad?”

Garrus looks at him, and clears his throat. “We do always have the body.”

Kaidan almost laughs. “Hard to imagine that Joker would have an easier time with her body walking around than he would having her in the ship.”

“We can keep her contained to the bridge,” Tali says. “Joker doesn’t want to come here, anyway.”

“She’s AI,” Garrus says, when he sees Kaidan’s uncertainty on his face. “Until she has memory of us, she won’t know what she’s missing.”

“You don’t think that’s a little cruel?” Confining something to a small space, synthetic or organic, doesn’t sit right with him.

Tali and Garrus share a look. “We could ask Cortez if he’d keep her in the shuttle bay.”

Kaidan sighs, relieved. “Yeah, all right. That’s better. And--let me tell the others, all right?”

“Of course, Kaidan. I hope you’re not mad I told Garrus--it’s just…”

Kaidan smiles, bittersweet. They seem happier, and isn’t that what matters? “Hey, come on. I know what that’s like.”

It’s the same reason he wants EDI. Kaidan can get happiness for someone, can get the crew back to Earth. He can right a wrong to an innocent.

No one knows about Shepard.

You do what you know you can.

\-----

“You’re doing what?”

Chakwas looks pissed, absolutely livid for a woman so normally calm, and Kaidan wishes he’d talked to her first. Even if she’d disagreed, it’d be good to know how she felt about it. What her thoughts were.

How to handle the situation if Joker hates it.

Kaidan keeps his voice low, hoping to make her less angry. “I know, it’s a delicate situation--”

“It’s more than delicate. You should have come to me before you started work on it.” She squeezes the bridge of her nose. Kaidan lowers his gaze; hates that he’s made her job harder than necessary. “He doesn’t know?”

“I didn’t want to tell him only to find out it was impossible.”

“Did you think for a second what you might have felt in his shoes?”

Kaidan offers a sad smile. “That’s all I’ve been able to think about, Karin. I don’t go into decisions half-assed. You know that.”

“I know. Just… this is a--”

“Delicate situation?”

She sighs. The look on her face pushes all the wrong buttons, and Kaidan almost calls it off. It’s not worth it, not if it’s going to raise hell while they’re still here.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” She pauses, then says, “Shepard used to pull stunts like this.”

“Yeah?” Kaidan scratches his neck, nervous. He’d missed the opportunity to talk about him, and doesn’t want to, now. It’d set work back on EDI, to focus on himself. He can’t do that. “Guess he rubbed off on me.”

\-----

“Don’t leave me behind,” Kaidan says, and leans into Shepard’s hand, only closing his eyes for a second. This won’t be the last time he sees him. Can’t be. This is Shepard, who has come back from countless suicide missions, who shouldn’t even be alive, and who’s still standing here, in front of Kaidan, and Kaidan could still fucking lose him.

Anxiety’s starting to bubble down his throat, thick and ugly, and Shepard’s eyes are soft when he says, “I love you--”

Kaidan lets out a sob, reaches up to put his hand on Shepard’s. “I love you, too.”

Shepard strokes his thumb over Kaidan’s cheekbone, and leans forward to kiss him, hard, wrapping his other hand around to the back of Kaidan’s neck. There’s a noise off to the side that startles them both, and Shepard pulls back to peer at it.

Stone-faced, all about the mission, and Kaidan’s standing here, covered in blood, tears streaking down his face, terrified and desperate as he hangs onto Shepard.

“I need you to go.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan says, tightening his grip on Shepard’s hand. “That’s not going to happen.”

“Kaidan. I need--I need to know that you’re safe.” Shepard kisses him again, soft, and Kaidan closes his eyes against it, inhaling sharply through his nose.

“Shepard--”

The nearby Reaper sounds off, blaring loud enough Kaidan’s ears start ringing, and then Shepard’s pulling away, squeezing Kaidan’s fingers tight, and Garrus is tugging Kaidan back into the Normandy, even as Kaidan reaches for him, cries out, “Shepard!”

\--and he wakes, in a cold sweat, in the crew quarters. Traynor’s sitting up across the room, holding her blankets tight in hand. She’s already got a light on for him.

Kaidan’s face heats, and he clears his throat. “Sorry,” he says. “I--I didn’t mean to…”

She nods. She looks as frightened as Kaidan feels. “Right, of course.”

He swears he can still feel Shepard’s hand on his cheek. He reaches up, rubs his face. “I didn’t wake anyone else, did I?”

“I was up reading, but I don’t think so.” She hesitates, then says, “Uh, Major--”

He tries to smile. “I’m fine. Thank you.” He kicks his legs over the edge of the bed and rubs at his head. There’s a migraine coming on--feeling tight behind his eyes and he covers them as he stands. “Going to get a glass of water,” he tells Traynor after a second, because she’s still staring at him with big eyes. “I’m fine. Really.”

The water puts the migraine at bay, after a while, but Kaidan doesn’t go back to bed. Phantom fingers still warm at his cheek, and Kaidan’s not too eager to play games with his subconscious again.

So he looks through EDI’s data in the mess hall, hoping to find some kind of hint, a secret, something. EDI was smarter than all of them. If there’s hope to be had, it’s because she hid it somewhere.

“Room for another, Major?” Joker says, emerging from the crew quarters as well. Kaidan nods, kicks out the chair across from him for Joker to sit in. “You know, Chakwas has sleeping meds, if you’re interested.”

“No, thanks. Besides, gotta find some time to read through reports.”

Joker grabs a glass of water himself before sitting down across from him. “People are still sending those in? Jeez. It’s gotta get boring reading about the potential medicinal properties of animal shit.”

He stifles a laugh, to avoid waking the rest of the crew up with it. “That’d be a step up, honestly. Right now it’s all chemical compositions of plants and trees.” It’s not exactly a lie--ground team reports have been more or less dry as dirt, but he still feels bad about lying. Even if it’s for a good cause; even if it’s for Joker’s sanity.

“Wow. You get all the fun.”

Kaidan goes back to reading through code, sitting in the silence with Joker feeling oddly pleasant. No judgement, no pitying comments. They both get it, in ways the others don’t. Words can’t make it better, but company does. Kaidan might not feel like he can confront Shepard’s ghost, but it’s easier to think about him, with Joker nearby.

“Hey,” he says, after a while. His hands tremble on the datapad, and he exhales a shaky breath. “What d’you think he’d do, in my place?”

Joker looks at him, a little uneasy. “If you’d gone in his place? I--if I’m being honest, I think it’s betteryou’re here.”

That shouldn’t hurt so much, but it does. “I…”

“You didn’t see him, you know, after Cerberus rebuilt him and you shot him down. I know he was kind of a tightass, back then--all about the mission, blah, blah, blah--but man. You turned him away and it was like something snapped.” Joker taps his fingers on the table in front of him, and sighs. “Just--you’re a hell of a lot more level headed about this than he would’ve been.”

Kaidan looks back down to his datapad. “Yeah. Dunno about that.” Because he’s not digging his heels into the ground, he’s not looking out to put crew on planet. Shepard might’ve seen a need for permanent, even if it meant they’d leave it later.

It’s not just about getting intel on the planet before he deploys--it’s about getting EDI up, getting the Normandy fixed, and getting these people back home. “I just feel like I’m letting him down.” Selfish, he thinks, for not wanting to expand. Keeping people contained to the Normandy… “Not trying to do more about the planet.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Joker doesn’t sound convinced. “But I think he’d fight like hell to get these people back home.”

Kaidan smiles, softly, to himself. Shepard, stubborn and determined as hell. Wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Yeah.”

God, he loves him, he misses him, and he really doesn’t know what he’s going to do if Shepard’s not okay.

\-----

Kaidan knows it’s meant to be a surprise, but the crew’s awful at keeping secrets and Traynor doesn’t take him off the shipwide emails when they send out the invitation. ‘Dinner for Shepard,’ it says. ‘Let’s take a night off (approved by Major Alenko in advance, of course) to honor Commander Shepard for everything he’s done to keep us alive. Bring your favorite stories, jokes, memories--and maybe a bottle of booze, if you’ve got any.

Let’s try to keep this quiet from Major Alenko until closer to the date. We all know they were close, and I don’t want to overwhelm him.

-Traynor’

He blinks at the message, not really sure if he should pretend he didn’t see it or tell her. They need it, even if Kaidan’s dreading the idea. He stares at the blinking line on the reply message for a while, typing and deleting a few messages before it pings with another message.

‘Shit! Sorry, Major. Looks like I already spilled the beans. Still--permission to have next Friday off for an all-crew dinner?’

Shepard meant a lot to the whole crew. Kaidan was lucky enough to have his heart, but Shepard was close with everyone. He can’t take this from them.

‘Why one night?’ he types. ‘Dinner Friday, but we’ll take the whole weekend.’

\-----

He takes two shots before dinner to calm his nerves. Easier to deal with the whole crew giving him pitying looks when he’s buzzed and doesn’t notice, after all.

But by the time he joins them all on deck three, most everyone else is drunk, too. “Major!” a group cheers as he rounds the corner and sees the crew celebrating for the first time. “Glad you could make it!”

They deserve it. They did win, after all--against all odds, organics prevailed. It’s good to see them celebrating that.

Kaidan waves, and turns his eyes to where Joker’s sitting with Tali and Garrus, off alone in a corner, while the rest of the crew spreads out, dancing to music someone’s rigged to play through the speakers, drinking at the bar, playing chess… Like it’s normal. Like they’d be doing on the Citadel, in another universe.

He joins Joker, not surprised to see Tali hard at work on her omni-tool. Garrus has a hand draped across the back of her chair, sipping away at a drink of his own.

“Glad you made it, Kaidan,” he says, nodding at him. “We wondered if you’d show up.”

“Don’t see how I could’ve stayed away.”

“Hey, you’re basically the guest of honor. Commander Shepard’s plus one, second in command?” Joker whistles. “The crew would’ve dragged you out of your bed before the night was over.”

“Good thing I came willingly, then.”

Tali groans, and curses. “I swear,” she says, mostly to herself as she clenches her fists, “I’m going to find whoever wrote this code and--!”

“Hey, Tali,” Joker says, as Garrus moves his hand to rub her shoulders. “Give it a break. Just for one night. You’ve been working non-stop for weeks.”

But she shakes her head. “No. It’s important work. If I figure out the corrupted data, we should be able to reestablish long range communications with Earth.”

“Assuming they have their long range comms back up,” Garrus says. “Don’t get too ahead of ourselves.”

“Earth has what’s left of the Citadel,” Kaidan says, settling into a seat next to Joker. “Someone’s bound to have figured it out by now.”

“You’d think.”

“Then why haven’t we been rescued?” Joker asks. “Sounds like we’re pretty much on our own, here.”

Tali shakes her head. “We can’t put out emergency signals, and they don’t know where to look. If we can just get our location broadcasted...”

Joker doesn’t look convinced, but does look like he’s prepared to argue the point, so Kaidan clears his throat, changes the subject.

“So what’s exactly supposed to go on, here?”

“Just a bunch of people gathering to honor an old friend,” Garrus says. “No one’s expected to make any kind of speech.”

“Least of all you,” Joker adds. “Don’t worry,” he says, and Kaidan hears a note of sincerity in his voice. “No one here’s gonna make you say anything.”

So he doesn’t, not at first. He listens to the stories, told with varying emotion, but no small degree of gratitude. Steve talks about how Shepard would came by to chat while Steve was struggling with the shuttle, how Shepard’s presence was usually enough to calm him down to figure out what was wrong; Traynor about how he’d stop by after every mission, just to hear her ramble about something on-board, how he thanked her for her input, no matter how small. Adams talks about his honor, his integrity, how even after working with Cerberus, Shepard was always one of the good guys. Liara talks about his soul, his honesty--his empathy, and Kaidan’s throat starts tightening again.

Joker knocks their arms together gently, a small show of solidarity, and Kaidan twists his fingers together until his knuckles are white.

Then the jokes come out--”What’s the difference between Commander Shepard and a krogan? A reaper? The Alliance Navy?”

And the entire crew knows the punchline to every one, and Kaidan’s laughing, even though he feels like his stomach’s turning inside out, trying to hold it all in. There are tears in the corner of his eyes he doesn’t want to let fall, but no matter who he looks at, they look the same.

He holds himself together until after dinner, when Traynor supplies him with a datapad, a photo of Shepard opened up on it. “The crew put this together for you,” she says, quietly. Most of the ship has gone to bed, or they’re passed out on the tables in the mess hall. Only Shepard’s ground support, Traynor, Joker remain. Kaidan takes the datapad, slow, and scrolls through it. “Stories and photos of Shepard they’d collected over the years. And I hope it’s not an invasion of privacy, sir, but we’ve included some photos of the two of you the crew had taken during the party on the Citadel.”

Kaidan nods. He’s already looking at them. Him and Shepard leaning against each other on one of the couches in his apartment. Shepard cornering Kaidan against a wall, Kaidan smiling, wide, up at him.

A blurry photo of the two of them dancing, Shepard’s head resting on Kaidan’s shoulder.

Fuck, he can’t talk. This is--too much, not enough, and all Kaidan can do is force his tongue to form the words, “Thank you,” before he stands up, disappears into starboard observation before he makes a fool of himself.

He presses his forehead against the glass of the window, staring out at the planet around them, at the stars twinkling in the night sky, and he just breathes.

Chakwas is the first to come in after him, which is a surprise, considering she’d gone to bed. She’s in pajamas, actually, and her tone is as soft as the hand she puts on Kaidan’s shoulder. “Major,” she says.

“I didn’t--I didn’t know it’d be this hard,” he whispers. “We don’t even know what happened, and I can’t stop thinking…” What if they never found Shepard? If there was nothing to find? Kaidan can’t decide what’s the worse situation, there. “I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong, I just…” He shakes his head. “What if he’s not out there?”

\-----

They try to set up a similar night for EDI.

Joker replies to everyone with a short, simple, ‘no’, and when he and Kaidan cross paths in the lounge that evening, neither of them say a word.

\-----

The first time he sets foot out on the planet is with Liara. It’s at Chakwas’ order--”Fresh air, Major. It’ll help.”--but he’s ignored everything else she’s told him, so he obeys, now.

It’s beautiful, definitely. A garden world, oxygen rich atmosphere. The Normandy was dug in pretty deep, but the engineering team has been working hard and she almost looks ready for take off. As soon as they can get EDI back in action, they’re ready for liftoff.

Liara threads her arm through Kaidan’s, and leads him down a well-worn path into a small garden, where a few others are working diligently in the dirt.

“Gardening,” Kaidan says. He raises an eyebrow at her, almost amused. A far cry from what she’d been doing before this, that’s for sure.

“It’s relaxing,” she says. “A reminder of the ground beneath your feet.” She glances at him. “Would you like to plant something?”

“Me?” He almost laughs. “I’m not the type.”

“You should. It’s very soothing.”

He’s here to see for himself the kind of foothold they’re getting on the planet, and from the looks of things, they’re doing well. The Normandy’s well-stocked, but they’re a big crew, and who knows how long they’ll be here. Kaidan’s more interested in keeping them well-stocked than waiting on a miracle.

There’s only so many of those you can ask of a universe, and Kaidan’s got his wish riding on a man he might’ve already lost.

She unhooks their arms. “Feel free to look around. Things grow fast, here.”

“Is that even possible?”

“Life itself is full of surprises,” she says. The two of them stare out across the garden. “Kaidan…”

He braces himself. Liara grips his hand in hers, tightens her fingers around his.

“I don’t really want to talk about it, Liara.” He does. Just not here.

“I know.” She turns to face him. “We’re here if you want to.”

\-----

He sleeps on one of the couches in starboard observation that night, staring up at the stars. It’s one of the things he’d had to do without Shepard, and Kaidan doesn’t blame him. For everything Shepard’s been through, he’s remarkably grounded. If all he came away with was an uneasiness around open space, Kaidan can’t fault him for that.

He loves the stars, knows Shepard does, too--but one thing at a time. “I want to work on it,” Shepard would tell him, after Kaidan would close the windows. “Tired of feeling like I’m suffocating when I look outside my ship.”

But as far as PTSD goes, Shepard should have shouldered a lot more. Nightmares are commonplace, sure, but besides those, Shepard takes what’s thrown at him in stride.

Kaidan thinks, just for a moment, of Shepard waking from a nightmare on Earth, alone, and has to go back to his datapad to get the image out of his head.

Sometime after 0300, after tossing and turning for hours, he wakes to Tali calling him. “Sorry to bother you,” she says, keeping her voice quiet. “Come visit me in the shuttle bay. I think I’m ready to test EDI.”

Kaidan doesn’t bother changing, just throws his shoes on and rides the elevator to the shuttle bay, shaking. Don’t get your hopes up, he tells himself. It’s still a long way off. There’s a lot that could go wrong, and it’s better to go into this with a level head.

No matter how much he wants it.

“You’re up late,” he notes, but Tali’s shaking with excitement where she stands next to EDI’s body, and Kaidan can’t help but feel invigorated by it.

“It’s all ready,” she says. “I just need permission to activate.”

It seems silly, in the grand scheme of things. Kaidan thinks about how this could affect them all, just for a moment, but that’s another reason why they’d decided to try it out on the mobile unit first. To minimize any risk, any potential issue. “Hell yes,” he says, and watches Tali’s fingers fly over her omni-tool, and waits. It feels like hours, the seconds between the tap of her finger, and EDI’s first movements.

“Did we have connections to install?” he asks, when nothing happens.. “Will she know who we are?”

Tali nods. “I set her up with basic information, but she’ll probably have questions. Blank memory blocks, that sort of thing.”

“Those we can answer.” Kaidan takes a deep breath. “But she should be able to repair the Normandy.”

“If anyone can do it,” Tali says. She sounds as uncertain as Kaidan feels.

They wait. Kaidan’s about to call it off, tell Tali maybe they get back to work on it later, when EDI’s hand lifts from the chair, and she blinks. Her head moves, her hair thinning out into strands before going solid again.

“Keelah,” Tali breathes, so soft Kaidan barely hears it. “It worked.”

He steps forward, slowly. He’s approaching an unknown, after all. “EDI?” Kaidan asks. “Hey, can you hear me?”

The turn of her head is sharp, and Kaidan jumps, just a little. Please remember me, he thinks, because if something’s off--if they have to use force to shut down her body, there’s no more secrecy. Everyone on board the Normandy will know, and Kaidan’s genuinely not sure if he can do that.

“Major Alenko,” she says. “It’s good to see you.”

“You remember me,” Kaidan says. “Good.”

“There is missing or irretrievable data. My records say this is due to the Reapers.” She pauses. “I will attempt to update my records from organic data at my disposal. One moment.”

There’s a long silence. Kaidan shares a look with Tali, who’s holding her hands to her mask, still shocked.

“Complete. I would like to speak to Jeff.”

“Of course.” Kaidan straightens his back, grateful for the way his spine pops back into place when he does. He gestures behind him. Can’t believe she’s actually standing in front of him again. There’s something warm and comforting blooming in his chest--hope. “He’s sleeping, though, so...EDI, he didn’t know we were trying to bring you back, so maybe go easy on him?”

“Of course.” She regards him carefully for a moment. “I am sorry, Kaidan, about Commander Shepard.”

He gives her a tight smile. “Me, too.”

She stands, fascinated by the way her body moves, as though she’s relearning how to use it. Maybe she is. “This unknown has an equal chance to come out in a positive result.”

“EDI,” Tali says, seeming to finally have found her voice. “We do need you to do something.”

“Work on the Normandy’s FTL and long range comms,” she says. “I’ve already discovered multiple issues in their programming. Attempting to fix should take a matter of days to weeks.”

Kaidan laughs, surprised. “Weeks? We’ve been working on this for months.”

“You appear to have done well. Better than most humans would have done.”

A second passes, and Kaidan feels a relieved laugh building in his chest. “Thank you, EDI.”

She smiles. “I will devote 10% of my processing power to repairs until Jeff returns to sleep. Integrating into the ship will be my first priority.”

“Thank you. Go talk to Joker.” Kaidan rubs at his forehead as she leaves, eager, and tries not to notice that he’s happy, he’s relieved, but mixed with it all, he’s jealous.

\-----

Kaidan doesn’t bother sitting down in Karin’s office the next morning, just paces back and forth, crossing and uncrossing his arms, tapping his fingers against his chin. He can’t figure out which thought to focus on first, and his stomach’s in knots.

“Major,” Chakwas says, her voice soothing. “Sit down. You’re having an anxiety attack.”

“I didn’t know it’d feel this way,” he says. There’s jealousy twisting in his stomach, and guilt over it twisting right alongside it, and he feels like such an asshole. Joker needed this; they all needed this. A win after weeks of feeling like failures, of feeling like they’d never see home again. After weeks of worrying that they’d be living out of a derelict ship for the rest of their lives. “I’m happy for Joker. Really, I am. I wouldn’t have worked so hard for it if I was going to be an ass about it, but…”

Chakwas just nods, though. “I think it’s natural. You bonded with Joker, you grieved with him over a mutual loss. He’s experiencing what you don’t think you’ll have. A reunion.”

Kaidan sighs, stops pacing and faces her. “How am I supposed to talk to him, now?”

“I think you’ll have a buffer period,” she says. “He and EDI will need some time to catch up, after all.” He just stares at her until she sighs. “Kaidan. We don’t even know if--”

He shakes his head. “Karin--”

But she continues as though he hadn’t said anything. “--Shepard’s alive or not. Don’t give me that look, Major.”

“I can’t… I can’t get my hopes up only to have them gone when we get back,” Kaidan says, softly. “I already lost him once. If I start going down that road…”

She’s right. Maybe Shepard’s out there, maybe he’s on Earth and he’s fine and the long range comms are just out and that’s all. But Kaidan starts thinking about that, where’s he gonna be if he gets back to Earth and finds out otherwise?

Chakwas smiles at him, and Kaidan goes back to his pacing. “How do I face him?”

“The same way you always have. I know you, Kaidan. You’re overthinking this.”

Maybe. He taps his fingers against his bottom lip.

“You don’t have trouble talking with Garrus, or Tali. What makes this different?”

“Kindred spirits,” Kaidan says, like that explains everything. Maybe it does.

He’s a coward, but he doesn’t seek out Joker. He spends more and more of his time actively avoiding him, actually. In between sparring sessions in the shuttle bay, James has been teaching Javik poker. It’s a sight to see, because he still can’t keep himself from showing when he has a good hand, or a bad one for that matter. James is surprisingly kind with him, though. “You did it again,” he’ll moan, tossing his cards on the table. “Javik, man, come on.”

“Maybe I’m bluffing,” Javik says, blinking at James with a stony expression. “Perhaps I am better at this game than you are.”

James shares a look with Cortez, who just shrugs. Kaidan crosses his arms over his chest, and watches.

“You wanna get in on the action there, Major?”

“Oh, no. You guys look like you have your hands full.”

But he does, eventually, give in, when James brings out the tequila. Cortez makes a show of being surprised, and reaches for the bottle as soon as James pulls it from his boot. “You always carry this with you?”

“I’m a marine,” James says. “Always prepared.”

Kaidan laughs as he takes the bottle after Cortez, and takes a long drink, while James whistles at him. He pulls the bottle from his lips, grimaces, and sets it in the middle of the table.

“Forgot how hard you party, Major.”

Drinking whiskey with Joker pales in comparison, but he still hasn’t talked to James or Cortez about Shepard, and since James idolized Shepard, he knows he’ll come up in conversation at least once tonight. And Kaidan can’t handle the soldier memorial sober.

Javik, too, looks like he wants to say something. For a man like Javik, that’s a little concerning.

“Deal me in,” Kaidan says, so no one has to breach the silence, clasping his hands in front of him on the table. James snorts, and deals.

The night goes by fast, and Kaidan only takes a few more shots--Cortez crawls his way to the crew quarters at half past 0200, and Javik follows him down to his own room on deck four not that much later. By the end of the night, it’s James and Kaidan, Kaidan on his knees in the bathroom, throwing up like he hadn’t since he was a new Alliance recruit.

James is sitting against the wall next to him, humming under his breath. Kaidan can see the wavelengths of his voice on the backs of his eyelids, and the more sober he gets, the more the soundwaves remind him of Shepard.

He used to do the same thing, humming. Quiet, in Kaidan’s ear, while they were lying in bed, sitting on the couch. The few times that Kaidan managed to get him to dance, swaying in the low-light of Shepard’s cabin to something old and classic on Shepard’s stereo.

“I miss him,” Kaidan says, after a while, and when James reaches out to rub his shoulder, he feels the weight of Shepard’s hand there instead. “I know we don’t know what happened, and we might not ever, but…”

“You should come around more. Cortez and I are always tellin’ stories. You knew him longer, you’ve got a hell of a lot more.” James hesitates. “It’d be good for us all.”

But Kaidan shakes his head. Shepard’s ghost is too hard to handle in his own head. Giving him a voice, a place beside Kaidan… It’s too much. “I can’t,” he says. “Can’t talk about him sober. It’d be hell.”

And he can’t. Each conversation with Joker is while they’re drinking. Kaidan’s never been one to hide behind booze, he’s more the type to throw himself into work, but what’s he supposed to do on this planet? The wildlife is docile, the plants are all non-lethal, there’s no planet natives or even anyone on it. There’s nothing to lead. In the aftermath of the Reaper War, they aren't even fighting amongst the crew. He has no real work to throw himself into.

“We fight, too, if you’d prefer that.”

Kaidan laughs, rolls his head on his forearm resting on the seat of the toilet, and looks to James. He holds his tequila a hell of a lot better than Kaidan, that’s for sure. “I’d mop the floor with you, Vega.”

James just slaps him on the shoulder, chuckling. “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.”

\-----

Kaidan wakes up hungover the next morning. James and Cortez sleep in, and Kaidan overhears Chakwas tutting about hangovers, but Javik’s just as professional as always, up early with a cup of something like coffee at his lips when he passes Kaidan in the hall.

Chakwas frowns as she gives him something for the hangover. Kaidan gets the silent treatment--fine with him--until she lets him leave, when she says, “Major,” and he pauses at the door.

“Karin?”

She hesitates, looking him hard in the eye, before she sighs. Her shoulders slump, and Kaidan can’t help but feel like he’s let her down. “Just try not to self-destruct.”

Liara finds him after, a datapad in her hand. “I have some numbers for you to look at,” she says, but doesn’t continue when she sees the expression on his face. “Is everything all right?”

“Hmm? Yeah, sorry, Liara. Late night.”

She smirks. “James told me he’s been teaching Javik. It seems he’s been cleaning everyone out of credits.”

If there were any, anymore. What’s a galactic currency worth now? He shrugs. “Yeah.”

“I’ll send you my report. In the meantime...” She nods behind him. “Joker would like to speak with you.”

Oh. “I, uh--I’ll find him, then. Thanks, Liara.”

But Kaidan doesn’t. He avoids, he avoids, he avoids, and one day to the point that, when he knows Joker’s looking for him, when he can hear Joker talking just the other side of the elevator on deck three, he actually goes to the one place he knows Joker won’t look.

Shepard’s cabin.

He doesn’t go in--too terrified about what he’ll see, when even seeing the door is too much. He spends half an hour catching his breath before he goes back to deck three to work. The door stays closed, and the memories with it.

At his next therapy session with Chakwas, she listens to him talk about Joker, and EDI, and how he almost went into Shepard’s cabin but got scared last minute, and all she says is, “You should go in.”

“I don’t think I’m ready.”

“Major, you never know until you try.”

So, after everyone’s asleep, even Joker, Kaidan makes his way back to Shepard’s cabin, and takes a few deep breaths outside his door. He can always change his mind.

He closes his eyes, remembers the night he and Shepard spent together, when Kaidan came up with the bottle of liquor and two glasses, under the guise of a quick drink, when in reality, he just wanted one more night with Shepard, his Shepard, not the man hell-bent on saving the world, running himself ragged to do it.

“I didn’t come here for a quick drink,” he’d said, after they’d finally kissed. “Just--you’ve done everything you can. Let me take care of you tonight.”

Kaidan clears the memory from his head, and opens the door before he can change his mind..

It looks…. the same. Kaidan’s not sure what he expected, honestly. No one’s been up here since Earth--Kaidan would be the only one. And he’s been too busy dealing with self-pity, with the Normandy, with EDI…

“Major Alenko,” EDI says, as if sensing his hesitancy. “Is there anything I can do?”

It should be comforting, but Kaidan just feels more isolated at the offer. “No, EDI. I’d just like to be alone.”

It’s not strictly true, but it’s not as if anyone on the ship’s going to offer him the kind of comfort he needs right now. So he locks the door to Shepard’s cabin behind him, crosses his arms over his chest, and makes his way further in.

It’s been some time since Shepard kept fish, but the glow from the tank casts light across the room. Shepard’s datapads are still lying on the couch, his chess set still lying out on the table. A model ship he’d been assembling in his precious moments of downtime lies unfinished at his desk, and Kaidan runs his fingers along the tiny model of the SR-2, his throat tightening.

The light on his terminal blinks rapidly. Kaidan knows, knows, he shouldn’t, but he does anyway. Long range communications still aren’t working well, so the emails are all from the crew. He doesn’t read past one of the subject lines; they’re private, between them and Shepard, or as the case still could be, between them and the void. All of them, thanking Shepard for what he’d done, what he’d given them, for his sacrifice.

For what he’d been willing to do when no one else could, and Kaidan swallows, tight, as he moves on.

Shepard’s bed is still unmade, from where he and Kaidan crawled out of it the day they hit Earth. Shepard’s hoodie’s still thrown on the bed where he’d left it. Kaidan reaches out, rolls the soft fabric between his thumb and forefinger.

He sits on the edge of the bed, pulling the shirt into his lap; it still smells like Shepard, like leather and metal and coconut, and Kaidan can’t even bother to ask why, just presses his face into it and breathes.

“Okay, that’s just not fair,” Kaidan says, when Shepard meets him in his cabin with another box marked Cmdr. J. Shepard, Normandy SR-2. “You know the Alliance gives us three uniforms, total, and you can’t get N7 to stop sending you crap.”

Shepard rips open the box and digs through it for a minute, until he finds a hoodie and tosses it Kaidan’s way. “I earned this crap,” he says. “Don’t let the others know you borrow my stuff, they’ll get jealous.”

Kaidan laughs, reaching for the shirt and holding it up. Red and white lines down the right shoulder, N7 displayed prominently on the chest. He tugs it over his head. Doesn’t smell like Shepard, but it will, in a few days. “Hey, you’re the one demanding I wear it.”

Taking his eyes away from the box of junk, Shepard looks at him, the corner of his mouth quirked up in a smile. His eyes travel along Kaidan’s form for a moment before he makes eye contact. “Yeah. Your fault for looking so good in my clothes.”

It smells like home. Weeks of avoiding it because he thought it’d be worse, that he’d be useless with the memories still too fresh in his mind. And it hurts, yeah. Kaidan feels like his chest is going to burst and the dam of emotions going to flood over, but it feels good, too. To remember that Shepard was here, that those months Kaidan had with him were some of the best of his life. Kaidan’s hands shake, and when he pulls away his face away from Shepard’s hoodie his face is wet. He wipes at his cheeks with his hand, the other still clutching Shepard’s hoodie in a tight fist, and rests his head on his hand.

There’s a digital photo frame on Shepard’s nightstand, cycling through photos of the two of them--on a date on the Citadel (Shepard told him about that one, that EDI snagged it right after their first date and sent it his way shortly after), a photo taken by Shepard with his omni-tool, from arms length, Shepard pressing a kiss to the side of Kaidan’s head, another of Shepard squished against Kaidan’s chest (Kaidan took that one, after a mission. Shepard’s drooling from the corner of his mouth).

Another of Kaidan, fast asleep, head resting on Shepard’s shoulder while Shepard looks at him with a soft expression on his face. Shepard’s got his fingers intertwined with Kaidan’s.

Kaidan doesn’t remember it, at all, but the fact there’s any part of their short-lived relationship he can’t remember… It wasn’t long, and Kaidan can’t even remember something this simple. Shepard’s already fading from “now” to “then”.

He pulls Shepard’s hoodie over his head, and crawls under the covers, and breaks.

\-----

After a week sleeping in Shepard’s cabin--which no one comments on, because everyone on the crew lives in each other’s back pockets and probably already knows all about it--EDI pings Kaidan when he’s sifting through what’s left of their supplies.

“Kaidan,” she says, through a private channel she’d set up with him after being reinstated on the Normandy’s systems. “I believe I have found a way to repair the Normandy’s long range communications.”

He nearly drops the box of dried food in surprise. “Sorry, you what?”

“The relays are likely still damaged, but using certain--”

“EDI,” Kaidan says, interrupting her before she can get too detailed, “you can just do it.”

“Oh.” A pause, then-- “It is done. It may take some time for a message to reach Earth or a neighboring planet.”

“How long?”

She explains that, once FTL is fixed, it becomes far quicker than it does now. “Right now, it may take far longer.”

“Right.” So much for that avenue. “Can you fix FTL?”

Silence, but Kaidan doesn’t interrupt her when it feels like she’s started to ignore him. “I believe so,” she says, after a long pause. “I will talk with the engineering team and report back when we’ve found something.”

“Thanks, EDI.”

“In the meantime, Major,” she says, sounding thoughtful, “might I suggest you speak with Jeff? He has expressed some uncertainty regarding your relationship.”

If Kaidan didn’t know better, he’d ask if EDI’s been listening in on his sessions with Chakwas. But EDI knows better. “I’ll be sure to stop by when I get a chance,” he says. After counting inventory, anyway. Any excuse to put it off, but there’s only so long Kaidan can ignore him.

Joker’s just as nervous when Kaidan finds him in the lounge, later. Kaidan clears his throat, announcing his presence, and Joker lights up. “Kaidan!” he says, and he even sounds excited. And Kaidan had been avoiding this. “About damn time. The Normandy’s not that big, dunno how you kept hiding from me.”

“Well, I just--” And Joker’s hugging him, arms tight around Kaidan’s chest. It’s so shocking that it takes Kaidan a second to respond, patting his own hands on Joker’s back.

“Thank you,” he says, his voice quiet. “Sneaky bastard. Should’ve told me.”

“I didn’t want to let you down. It’d’ve felt too mean.”

“Come on, Alenko, that’s not in your control,” Joker says, shaking his head. “You have no idea what this means to me.”

But Kaidan has some idea. He’s dreamt enough times of Shepard coming back to him. “Don’t worry about it, Joker.”

“Don’t worry about it?” Joker pulls back, adjusts his hat so Kaidan can’t see his eyes. “That’s one hell of a surprise, Major. How am I supposed to return that? You know I can’t give you Shepard.”

Kaidan nods, scratches at his neck. No one can, except Shepard himself. And if he’s okay, they should know, as soon as long range communications are back up. “Joker, seriously. I don’t need to be repaid for this.”

“But you will be. I know it must’ve been tough, putting her back together when you know you can’t do the same for Shepard.” Joker looks at him, now, his eyes wet with gratitude and hope. “But you did. And Shepard’s basically a miracle worker. Doesn’t that count for something?”

But that’s a tall order, and Kaidan’s not sure anyone could pull that off. “Who knows if he’s got another miracle left in him?”

\-----

EDI has FTL repaired in a matter of days. “It would have been faster, were I able to access the latest backup of my own data. Humans are often fallible in reporting.” 

“Cute, EDI.” Kaidan grins at the ceiling of the comm room, and tries not to focus on how fast his heart beats.

Kaidan’s palms are sweaty when he opens the connection to Earth. EDI’s monitoring the connection, but doesn’t say anything about it’s stability, so Kaidan waits for the answer, and exhales sharply in relief when the connection goes through.

“Connection successful,” EDI says, and even from the comm room he can hear the crew cheering.

Kaidan salutes when Admiral Hackett’s form glows in front of him. He looks good. Surprised, but good. Not too worse for wear, all things considered. It bodes well for them all that all looks normal. 

Maybe… Maybe Shepard...

“Major? That really you?”

“Reporting in from the Normandy, sir.” Kaidan drops his hand. “Eager to hear about reparations on Earth. How are things going there?”

It takes a moment, but Hackett laughs, loud and free. “Sorry, Major. We’ve had the Normandy listed as MIA for months. It’s good to hear from you. Nothing short of a miracle.”

“Agreed, sir. EDI says we’ll be arriving back on Earth in a matter of days.”

Hackett pauses again, almost shocked. “EDI? You have your ship’s AI installed again?”

“Yes, sir. EDI was backed-up on isolated databases. They were offline at the time of the blast. Tali was able to get her back up and running after repairing her code.”

Hackett’s form starts flickering, and his audio gets choppy when he speaks next. “Incredible. We’ll--ed to pick the brains of your crew when you all get back, and com--Tali’Zorah to the highest extents for getting you back home. --best on tech recovery. You’re the first team that’s recreated their AI.”

“We are?”

“VIs are getting green lit acros--ven AIs in ships are struggling to come online. We’ll have endless jobs for--one involved in that project--get back to Earth. A few days, yo--id?”

Kaidan nods, frowning when Hackett’s form fuzzes in and out. “Yes, sir. And I’m nervous to ask, sir, but--is there any news on Commander Shepard?”

A blip, and Hackett’s form disappears. Kaidan steps forward to the console, asking EDI for help clearing it up.

“I’m afraid this is as stable as I can make it.” She doesn’t sound pleased with herself.

Hackett’s form is gone, his voice hard to hear when he says, “--know--ecovery--best if you--rn to Earth.”

Kaidan’s heart sinks. So much for not getting his hopes up. “Of course, sir. You’re cutting out--can you still hear me?”

“--jor Ale--”

A few seconds of silence before EDI says, “Connection lost. I will try resetting our equipment and we can try again.”

Kaidan grips the railing next to the console. “No need, EDI. What’s our ETA to Earth?”

He shifts his weight back and forth between his feet, closing his eyes.

No Shepard, then.

He’d expected it, and his chest still feels like it’s going to cave in on itself.

“Two days,” EDI says.

“Great,” he says. “I’ll be, uh. I’ll be in the captain’s quarters.”

He can’t even bring himself to say his name, and the only place he can think to be alone is filled with memories of them.

No one bothers him as he makes his way through the war room to the elevator, and he locks the door behind him when he gets inside.

“Kaidan?”

He mutes his omni-tool, presses his hands against his eyes.

He knew, he knew not to get his hopes up, and he did anyway. And now he’s worse off for it.

He strips his clothes and steps into the bathroom, turns on the shower and steps in before it heats up. He scrubs at his face first until he sees colors on the back of his eyelids. He scratches his skin until his nails leave red streaks down his chest, all the while trying to keep his mind free of Shepard.

Two days, and he’ll be thrown back into reconstruction, and he won’t have to fucking deal with this anymore. He’ll be so exhausted, so busy with Alliance work, he won’t have time to focus on his pain.

Maybe that’s good, but Kaidan just feels numb.

He falls asleep in Shepard’s bed, in Shepard’s clothes. The bed doesn’t smell much like him anymore - mostly Kaidan, now.

He’d called Shepard a ghost once, and it seems fitting to do it again. Difference is that now, there’s no Cerberus to bring him back.

\-----

Joker stands at his side while Kaidan puts the finishing touches on his report in the CIC. “Kaidan,” he starts, slow, reaching out and putting a hand on his shoulder. “I know it’s not a lot, but… I’m sorry. I think all of us wanted Hackett to have something better to say.”

Kaidan nods, taps the last few words out on his report and sends it off. It’s not a lot; he’d only really started writing it after EDI came back online and there was a possibility of actually getting back to Earth. It’s routine, though, restores a little bit of normal in a world that’s been upturned. “I think everyone did.”

“Admiral Hackett’s waiting for you,” Traynor says, quiet, from beside him. “We’re all with you, Major.”

And they are; the entire crew of the Normandy’s standing, waiting, and Kaidan knows he should have some sort of feeling of joy, pride, that he got the ship back safely, with few hitches--but he’s more or less just dreading getting planetside and getting pity.

“Good to have you,” Kaidan says. “You’re a good team. It was a privilege to get to work alongside you.”

And under different circumstances, Kaidan might’ve said he enjoyed it.

“Admiral Hackett will have duties for all Alliance personnel,” he adds, “and a few jobs for anyone else looking to pass the time before they can make it back to their homeworld.” He looks around at all of them, and wishes he were better at bridging this gap. Imagines Shepard in the same role, how he got people to follow him through confidence and strong-will. Kaidan can barely manage a smile, and even that’s only skin-deep.

He plans on leaving alone, but Joker and James both follow him to the airlock, James offering a nod and a slap on the back. No words, no looks, and Kaidan thinks that’s probably for the best, all things considered.

He doesn’t even want to be here. If he weren’t on active duty, he’d’ve insisted he get on the next ship off Earth. As it is, he is active duty, and he’s stationed on Earth. For the foreseeable future. He’d joined the Alliance to do good in the galaxy, and he gets stationed on his homeworld.

He’s a soldier, and goes where he’s needed, but… there’s something cruel about him ending up being stationed on the last planet he wants to be stationed on.

So he doesn’t need words of encouragement, or “sorry” or anything else people will come up with. He’s got a job to do, and the rest will fall in line when he can work through what he’s feeling.

Earth looks better than it had when they’d left, or London does, at least. A lot of the rubble’s cleared away, and there are a few two story buildings scattered across the horizon. The sky’s blue, and there’s sunshine.

Aside from the destruction, it doesn’t look that much different from the planet they’d left. There’s an Alliance command center nearby--Kaidan figures that’s where they should be headed.

James and Joker get pulled to the side by another admiral before either one of them say anything. Hackett’s not far, bent over a map.

He’s dressed in civilian clothes--a sweater and jeans, but his hat’s still atop his head. It’s jarring. Kaidan’s wearing his neatest uniform--so are Joker, and even James broke his out--and feels out of place.

“Admiral,” Kaidan says, stilling his hand as he salutes.

“Major,” Hackett says, turning to him. Kaidan drops his salute. “I gotta tell you, seeing the Normandy land was a sight for sore eyes.” He rubs a hand over his forehead. “Been a hell of a job cleaning up Earth.”

Kaidan offers a tight smile. Earth. Home, and…

Well. Kaidan would be lying if he said he wouldn’t’ve been all right with never seeing it again. “It looks good, Admiral.” And, because Hackett still looks like he’s expecting something, adds, “Good to be home.”

Hackett makes a noise, then gestures backwards with his head and says, “Walk with me, Major.”

London looks like shit. Even the six months it took the Normandy to get back in action didn’t do much for the mess, and Kaidan feels restless, in the aftermath.

He closes his eyes, shakes his head once, twice--don’t think about Shepard--and says, “Lead the way.”

“We’re making good headway on rebuilding.” Hackett says. “I know it doesn’t look like much. There are places on Earth still standing, if you can believe it.” He sighs. Roadways are cleared, and there are Makos roaming over what’s left of rubble all over. Kaidan’s hands itch to help, but Hackett wouldn’t be holding him if there was something important to do.

“It looks good.” Kaidan clears his throat. There are--kids. Playing in a cleaned-up park not far from them, and he almost stumbles over his feet.

Almost normal.

“No need to be kind, Major,” Hackett says, with a lilt to his voice. “It looks like hell. But headway is headway.”

“Yeah.”

Kaidan’s throat goes thick with the unspoken question. Did you find Shepard? His hands shake. He pulls them together, fists them.

Hackett talks aimlessly about rebuilding plans as they walk, and the further they go, the more Shepard won’t leave Kaidan’s mind.

He’s almost ready to stop and ask Hackett about it when he does, and turns to put a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder.

“It’s good to have you back,” Hackett says. “It’d be better to have you back on active duty.”

Kaidan frowns. “Would be, sir?”

Hackett eyes him. “Hmm. Normandy crew’s on mandated leave. Orders from your commanding officer.”

Kaidan’s throat goes tight, but he does manage to say, “I didn’t put in for leave..”

“Now the Normandy’s back in Alliance hands,” Hackett says, looking entirely too amused at the confused look on Kaidan’s face, “command transfers.”

“All due respect, Admiral,” Kaidan says, with something akin to a laugh, “I don’t think I can go on shore leave while--”

“The order didn’t come from me.”

This is what they do, then. Sit around playing games with the chain of command. Kaidan opens his mouth to reply when movement catches his eye behind Hackett. Someone out from behind the building they’re in front of, something slung over their shoulder.

He’s already shoving Hackett to the side - good to know instinct can still kick in - when the figure steps out of the shadow and Kaidan sees him.

Longer hair that’s greying at his temples, more lines around the eyes, but otherwise, nothing’s changed. Same size, same build--same bright, blue eyes that stare right down into his soul.

“Shepard,” Kaidan breathes, Hackett all but forgotten beside him. He’s not sure if he should move, or if he’s going to faint. He’s got to be seeing things. Flashbacks, or--or PTSD, or something--it’s got to be something…

Hallucination, maybe. He might be going crazy, because Shepard, no one knew, no one had seen him, or--or they would have said something. There would have been reports, or an email or something--

He doesn’t have to move, because Shepard’s coming towards him. “No--” he says, shaking his head, holding one hand out while the other goes for a gun that isn’t there. “Don’t--”

Maybe he is going crazy, because Shepard puts his hands up, after dropping his bag to the floor. “Kaidan,” he says, and fuck but he’s really, really losing it, because the tone of his voice is exact, cuts right through the anxiety building in Kaidan’s chest and hits him, sharp. He steps forward, slow, and Kaidan’s vision tunnels.

“You were,” he says, throat tight. He shakes his head, even as Shepard comes close hands still held out, palms forward. He closes his eyes, tight. “Shepard--”

He owes--everybody on Earth owes him a fucking explanation for why Shepard’s standing here, in front of him, looking almost no worse for wear, and Kaidan’s only learning about it now.

Biting his tongue, Kaidan holds his ground. Shepard moves slow, though, reaches a hand to rest on Kaidan shoulders.

“Shepard.” His voice is barely more than a whisper. He can smell Shepard, now, still inexplicably like leather, thermal clips, oak, and he thinks to himself, any minute he’s going to wake up in Shepard’s bed, face buried in the other pillow, and this is a dream.

Shepard pulls him closer, and Kaidan goes--easy, like it’s always been. He holds his hands at his side, hoping if he doesn’t move, he won’t wake up.

If he doesn’t open his eyes, he won’t wake up, and this can be real.

“I missed you,” Shepard says, his voice low in Kaidan’s ear. His breath tickles.

“This can’t be real. It’s just a dream.”

A minute, and then Kaidan hears, louder, “Hackett, could you give us a minute?”

“Of course, Shepard, I’ll leave you to it.” The sound of footsteps, and Kaidan feels a hand in his hair, rubbing small circles on his scalp.

“You dream about Hackett a lot, Kaidan?”

He snorts, almost laughing. “God, Shepard…” It has to be a dream. He can still smell Shepard, though, still feel his hand in his hair. He’s solid against him, and Kaidan can feel his heart beating underneath his skin when Kaidan wedges his hand between their chests.

Steady. Real.

“It’s me, Kaidan,” Shepard says, soft, as Kaidan’s hands grip in Shepard’s shirt. “Not a dream.” Shepard presses a kiss to Kaidan’s ear, squeezing him tight with the arm not in his hair. Kaidan doesn’t say anything, keeps his face pressed against Shepard’s neck. “Spent a good six hours under some rubble, and six weeks in a makeshift medbay, but they patched me up.” Shepard pulls back, lifts Kaidan’s face with his hand, brushes his thumb across Kaidan’s cheek.

“Don’t leave me behind,” Kaidan remembers saying last time Shepard did this. This time feels different. A hello, not a goodbye.

It’s real. He laughs, breathless, grin widening. Shepard’s eyes crinkle when he smiles back.

“Asked about you every day,” Shepard says. “Drove everyone crazy.”

“I think you’re allowed,” Kaidan says, a little amused. There are a few scars on Shepard’s face, new ones, his cybernetics glowing through his skin. But it’s Shepard. Solid and strong in front of him. “Saving the galaxy and all. People owe you a lot.”

Shepard smiles, something soft and intimate, only for Kaidan, and presses their foreheads together. “All I want is right here.”

Relieved, Kaidan chokes out a laugh, brings his hand up to hold the back of Shepard’s neck. “Sap,” he says, against Shepard’s lips. “You think Hackett’ll notice if we sneak away?”

“Doubt it. I’m the one that grounded the Normandy team.” He grins. “Come on. Got a nice place here.” He pulls back, but keeps his arm looped around Kaidan’s waist as they walk. He picks up his bag up, slings it back over his shoulder. “You know--relatively nice.”

Thing is, though, Kaidan’d be content to live in a hollowed out spot under rubble, if it means Shepard’s with him. “All I want is right here,” Kaidan repeats back to him. Shepard brought him another miracle, against all odds.

The rest - it’ll fall into place.

**Author's Note:**

> that writing feeling where you have everything neat and tidy in your head and it comes out... not that. (if there's like. a glaringly obvious issue I'll probably return in 12 hours and embarrass myself with it before it's fixed)
> 
> @reyescott on tumblr, I'm losing my mind about mshep and kaidan again come chat


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